With the stress of midterms building and my hectic schedule driving me to the point of insanity, I have found that the only time that I have for myself are the few minutes before I fall asleep.
However, for the past couple of months, I have not been able to find that inner peace before letting my eyes rest. Why, you may ask? I’ll explain.
Have you ever laid in bed and thought about the actuality of the word “forever?” I do. I lie there and consciously try not to let the thought enter my mind. I try to block it out, I try scheming ways around the thought of eternity, the thought of life and death. In all honesty, it scares me.
If something should happen to me tomorrow, what would happen to my soul? What would happen to the inner voice that carries on stimulating conversations in my head?
I try singing songs in my head to divert the thought. But I still manage to carry on more than one conversation at a time. I can recite the words of the song silently and simultaneously manage to freak myself out with questions that no one knows the answers to.
For me it is inevitable. These thoughts seep in through my pores.
Lying in my dorm room thinking about death, how morbid.
The older I get the more frequent they visit. These uncertainties enter my thoughts and then float inside my head. Sometimes they stay for only a few minutes before I shove them from my mind, but sometimes they manage to linger.
They make my heart race; my hands begin to clam up and sweat and I feel as if the room is slowly shrinking in size.
The walls close in on me and I can feel the immense pressure of deep introspection on my body.
Every second that ticks is like an eternity.
Then I snap out of it. I have to stop thinking about it. Forever or eternity or life and death, whatever you want to call it — is inevitable.
There is no fountain of youth, no magic potion that can slow time. Life happens and whether or not you are alone for the ride, is your decision.
I used to always wonder if I was the only one who thought about these random thoughts that keep me awake at night. But then I realized after mentioning these thoughts to a friend a couple of nights ago that I was not alone.
He, too, has these thoughts about eternity and how that word relates to his life.
I was stunned.
Not only had he been kept awake by these radical thoughts, but he had reacted the same way-erratically.
To me, it just seemed so amazing that we could both stress out about something that we had no control over. And then I got to thinking.
Between the 16 units of school I am taking this semester, two jobs, my responsibilities to the Campus Times and trying to keep my sanity, I have somehow managed to forget what my mother used to always say to me: “Don’t stress about things that you cannot control, or that will be your destiny.”
I never really knew exactly what it meant, and in all honesty, my mother probably did not know either. But I guess I need to apply those words to my life.
I don’t think that I am the only person in the world to have these kind of thoughts. I am sure that more than half of you could say that they have entered your mind too.
I guess what I am trying to say is that in a world that sometimes seems like it is spinning out of control, thinking about things that you can not control will drive you crazy.
Then I remembered a quote from Mason Colley that I once ran across, and this sums it all up.
“Eternity eludes us, even as a thought.”
Amanda Stutevoss, a senior broadcasting and journalism major, is editor in chief of the Campus Times. She can be reached by e-mail at email@example.com.