Beware, bad luck is in the air

Yes, it’s true, today is Friday the 13th. Although most of you probably don’t believe in all the goofy superstitions and legends associated with this ill-fated date, we have decided to lend those who do believe in this stuff a hand.

Here is the official Top 10 Things You Should Not Do on Friday the 13th List:

1) Break a mirror. Sure, you’ll get seven years of bad luck, but such a deed becomes exponentially more terrifying when one considers that broken glass and human tissue do not play together very nicely.

2) Walk under a ladder. Not only will you get hexed, but you also never know what could fall off the ladder and onto your head: Paint, hornet nests, loaded nail guns, live ammunition, people…you get the idea.

3) Cross paths with a black cat. Although a lot of us love and own cats, there’s just something about the ones that are all black that makes people uncomfortable.

4) Spill salt. What’s so bad about getting a little sodium chloride on the floor, you ask? Ever see what happens to snails and slugs when they get exposed to salt? Well, things don’t end well for the slimy invertebrates, and chances are they won’t for you, either.

5) Pour the milk before the cereal. Chances are we were all brought up to pour the cereal first and the milk second, but what happens if we wake up zombified after a night of hard studying (okay, partying) and accidentally do it backwards? No one knows for sure, but there are numerous stories of housemates hearing snapping, crackling and popping noises coming from the victim’s bedroom during the night. The curious enter the room, only to find the culinary infidel dead upon his bed, with a spoon handle protruding from each empty eye socket.

6) Wear underwear on your head. A time-honored gesture of jest, it all sounds perfectly innocent and perfectly acceptable for inebriated alpha males. Innocent, that is, until their bones turn to elastic and the victim’s buddies start tying the undergarment misuser to two trucks going in opposite directions.

7) Eat a shrimp tail. Whether done on a dare or of your own free will, the results will be the same: The next time you eat seafood, your lungs will melt and you’ll grow a set of gills. Hope you’ve got a swimming pool.

8) Cross the number seven. Sure, everybody puts an additional line through the luckiest of numerals, so it must be okay, right? Well, if you consider stubbing your toe, spilling your coffee and forgetting where you parked seven times more frequently than usual to be okay, than yes, you and all your digit-bisecting friends will be just dandy.

9) Not eat your pizza crust. Sure it’s wasteful and annoying, but dangerous? You betcha! You’ll think twice about this seemingly harmless act once you get mauled by a cross-dressing yeti in broad daylight.

10) Praise the ASF. Of course no ULV family member with half a brain would do this in anything but sarcastic fashion, but what would happen to someone if they were actually being serious? Legend has it that once somebody extols the virtues of ASF and means it, everyone here will turn into a loofa sponge.

And that concludes our lesson. Now if you excuse us, we’ve got some horseshoes to hang.

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Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Campus Times Editorial Board.

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