Hailey Martinez
Special to the Campus Times
In a world where people so freely give their hearts—pouring love, time, and energy into someone they believe in—few things are more soul-crushing than hearing, “I think we need to break up.”
It’s like a cold wind rushing through a room that once felt warm. Your mind spirals: Where did I go wrong? Was I not enough? You replay every memory, every fight, every silence, trying to understand how it led here.
Sometimes you plead, cry, beg them to stay as if your breath depends on their presence. You try to make sense of the heartbreak, convincing them, or maybe yourself—that love can still be saved. But slowly, painfully, a truth surfaces: in holding on to them, you’ve let go of yourself. You’ve forgotten your worth.
Falling in love often feels natural. You meet someone, and over time, your walls come down. You let them see parts of you no one else ever has. There’s no hesitation because you believe, wholeheartedly, they’re your person. You picture a future, build dreams around their voice and the way they say your name.
Then one day, without warning, they say they’re not ready. They love you—but not enough. Or worse, they don’t love you at all. You hear the words, but they don’t feel real.
Betrayal doesn’t always come through words. Sometimes, it arrives in silence or distance.
Instead of apologies or explanations, you’re met with indifference. You finally ask the question burning in your chest.
“Should we?” And they just say, “Yes.” So easy.
So final. And all you can think is: Was I really that easy to let go of? Was I never worth fighting for?
In that devastating moment, the hardest truth hits: love doesn’t always mean forever. Sometimes, the person who meant everything to you saw you as temporary.
But remember someone else’s inability to love you is not a reflection of your worth.
Their choice to walk away doesn’t make you unlovable. You are still whole. Still worthy. Still deserving of a love that chooses you—fully and without condition.
Healing takes time. It’s slow and painful. But eventually, you’ll stop wondering why they left and start remembering why you should never have begged them to stay.
“My attachment style was toxic, so my relationship became toxic. He became the center of my world,” said Lillian Barocio, a sophomore communications major at the University of La Verne.
During her relationship, Barocio realized she had placed her ex on a pedestal. While it’s natural to admire your partner, it becomes unhealthy when that admiration isn’t mutual.
When one person puts in significantly more effort than the other, the relationship becomes unbalanced. That’s when honest conversations are necessary because many issues can be resolved through communication. But if nothing changes, it may be time to walk away.
Prioritizing someone who doesn’t prioritize you in return is emotionally draining. It can lead to questioning your worth, wondering if you’re truly loved, and developing an anxious attachment rooted in insecurity and fear of abandonment.
Research finds that anxious attachment often stems from childhood.
When caregivers consistently meet a child’s physical and emotional needs, a secure attachment forms. But when those needs are met inconsistently, or not at all, an insecure attachment can develop, potentially leading to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized styles later in life.
“I didn’t have a social life. I lost myself—I didn’t even recognize who I was,” Barocio said.
It was her first love, the kind that sweeps you off your feet and makes you believe in forever. She fell without hesitation or boundaries, her heart wide open.
Entering a relationship with pre-existing anxiety can intensify that anxiety, often triggering an anxious attachment style. You prioritize your partner’s needs over your own, seeking constant reassurance that you’re loved, worthy, and enough. You give everything because you love deeply. But in focusing so much on them, you lose sight of whether your needs are being met.
You overlook red flags. You drift from friends and family. You just want to be with your person.
And for a while, everything seems fine. But slowly, without even realizing it, the person you once were starts to fade.
Barocio’s anxiety crept in. A simple text from him would send her heart racing, not with excitement, but dread.
“Every time I received his messages, my heart would start beating super fast. I was just heightened … always thinking it was going to be something bad,” Barocio said.
She had unknowingly developed an anxious attachment trying to hold on to something already slipping away. She didn’t recognize it at the time, but she was trying to love from a place of fear, not security.
This is where fear of abandonment takes root. People with anxious attachment often worry their partner will leave or stop loving them, which leads to emotional hypersensitivity and reactivity.
When Barocio’s relationship ended, she initially tried to outrun the heartbreak. She filled her time with new dates, new people, constant distractions, anything to avoid sitting alone with herself.
“I was never home. I was always out. But I always felt lonely at the end,” said Barocio.
“If it wasn’t for the support of my family and friends, I don’t think I would’ve made it.”
But after her breakup, Barocio learned that the most important thing was focusing on herself, even through the pain. That meant doing what made her happy, leaning on loved ones, and allowing space for healing and self-discovery.
“I got closer to God. I got closer to my family. I went from partying to working on my inner self,” Barocio said.
With time, she realized the heartbreak hadn’t destroyed her—it had revealed her.
“That relationship taught me to never lose sight of my worth,” Barocio said.
When old patterns resurface and anxiety whispers its lies, she grounds herself in truth. What am I going to do differently now?
She no longer tries to control love. In the past, she kept her ex in a bubble, thinking it would keep them safe. But it only left her feeling small, anxious, and drained.
Now, she’s learned that love needs space to grow. If her partner goes out, she doesn’t panic; she sits with herself, makes plans with friends, or simply pours into her own joy.
“Having space is key. The more you try to control, the more it stresses both of you out,” Barocio said.
Love should feel like light, not like weight. It should nourish, not deplete you. And the moment it begins to take more than it gives—that’s when you walk away. Because love should add to your life, not take from it.
When arguing with your partner, the first step is identifying how you feel. If you need to step away to collect your thoughts, do so but communicate that clearly.
“After letting your partner know you need space to process, it’s important to reassure them—whether they have a secure attachment or not,” said Amy Demyan, professor of psychology at the University of La Verne and a clinical psychologist.
Arguments can feel overwhelming for both people. Taking space can help, as long as you reconnect and discuss the issue calmly. A simple way to reassure your partner might sound like: “I love you and care about you, but I need a moment to gather my thoughts. I’ll come back to you once I’m ready.”
Communication is where many couples struggle. You can’t expect your partner to understand how you feel without expressing it.
“Have a conversation with your partner about what they need at that moment, and what you need, too,” Demyan said.
“Sometimes our partners feel disappointed, and we didn’t do anything wrong,” Demyan said.
But they’re allowed to feel that way. The question is: Can I hear them out without making them feel invalidated?
A strong relationship is built on emotional connection and mutual understanding.
If your partner becomes defensive whenever you bring up a concern, that’s a sign you’re not being heard.
“A good partner listens and regulates their emotions,” Demyan said. “If you say, ‘I was disappointed when you said you’d come to the party and didn’t show up,’ they should hear you—not make you feel bad for bringing it up.”
Going through a breakup is never easy, and getting back to yourself requires work– whether through mindfulness or self-discovery.
“The first step is mindfulness-based approaches, where you learn how to be present, practice different types of meditation, and notice what’s happening in your body and mind without reacting—just observing with curiosity and without judgment,” Demyan said.
From there, it’s about reconnecting with yourself.
“Date yourself. Go out and do all the fun things you’ve always wanted to do. Travel, explore new hobbies, invest in who you are,” Demyan said. “Figure out what makes you happy, what you value, and take time to rediscover yourself.”
Part of healing is learning to develop secure attachment.
Ask yourself: If this relationship ends, will I still be okay?
Are you secure enough to walk away from what no longer serves you?
Do you know how to respond rather than react?
These are the questions that lead not just to healing, but to growth.
“Out of everything, boundaries are the hardest for people—especially women,” said Stacey Inal, a women’s confidence and career coach, and psychotherapist based in Monrovia, California.
Many women fear being disliked, judged, or cast out, which makes setting boundaries feel uncomfortable or even shameful. Inal recommends tools like therapy and journaling to practice saying “no.”
One cognitive behavioral technique involves wearing a rubber band on your wrist, then when the urge to people-please arises, snapping it to bring your awareness back to the present and remind you to honor your boundaries.
Another approach Inal emphasizes is tuning into your somatic response—how your body physically reacts in different situations.
Learning to listen to your body can help guide decisions and reinforce intuition.
Rebuilding self-worth, Inal added, starts with gratitude.
“A lot of the time, people don’t trust who they are. They’ve lost belief in themselves and their self-esteem is low,” Inal said.
Creating a daily habit—like writing down three things you did well or appreciated each night—can help rewire the mind toward self-acceptance.
Having a therapist, coach, or mentor also creates space for honest reflection. “You can’t be afraid to talk about it—even when it’s painful,” Inal said.
A mindset shift is essential for healing. You must begin to believe: I am valuable. I am worthy of love.
When you’re emotionally ready for a healthy relationship: “You (can) acknowledge what you like, identify what you don’t, and ask yourself—have I truly dated myself? Do I really know who I am?” Inal said.
Personal growth and self-transformation are essential paths to a fulfilling life beyond romantic relationships. Many pursue self-improvement for inner peace or specific achievement, then find it carries over into their romantic relationships.
Whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, family bonds, or professional settings, when you grow, your loved ones tend to grow with you.
Ultimately, self-transformation isn’t just about personal happiness. It’s about how you show up for others. As you evolve, you become a better communicator, a more grounded partner, and a more empathetic friend. Relationships are living reflections of our emotional state.
And when you change, everything around you begins to shift.
Hailey Martinez can be reached at hailey.martinez@laverne.edu.
Hailey Martinez is a junior journalism major with a photography minor. She is a staff writer for the Campus Times and a staff photographer for the Campus Times and La Verne Magazine.
