Amber’s List of things that are “wrong” in contemporary society:
• Undergraduate students who carry portable phones or beepers with them to class. This is not only distracting to have these devices beeping during class, but it also presents a false sense of importance. Unless you are a medical intern, a president of a multi-million dollar corporation or a single parent, you do not really need these things. There are times when it is OK not to be available. What do you think bathrooms and answering machines were designed for?
• Decaffeinated coffee. Now here is a useless beverage. Of every drink available for taste, this does not top my list. Coffee has a chemical purpose and removing that basic chemical effect from it is wrong! If you want something hot to drink but do not want the drug side effects, then try tea, cider or hot chocolate. After four cups of coffee in the morning, going for the pot with the orange rim is not going to reverse the effects. Let’s have some respect for the good Colombian bean growers, shall we? Drink caffeinated or do not drink at all.
• Nutritional facts on M&M packages. Let’s not lie to ourselves here. It is chocolate and sugar. Of course there are no vitamins and minerals in it. Of course it does not meet the 2 percent of the recommended daily allowance. I am not eating it for my health! So do not pretend that there is useful information on the back of that package and do not bother to look at that calorie count either. If you made the commitment to rip it open and eat it, you have accepted the caloric consequences.
• Now this is not the best topic to approach after junk food but it has to be covered—deodorized scented tampons. Now what general manager of Platex thought of that one? I doubt it was a woman. Who in their right mind thinks that scenting that area is going to improve anything? Sure they smell decent in the box and maybe a bit better in the trash can, but who is going to poke their nose in there to check? It defies the laws of nature to artificially scent this feminine function.
• People who own off-road vehicles but only drive them on the freeway. Now correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t all-terrain vehicles designed to be driven in the dirt and mud, up mountains, across snow covered plains and desert oases? These cars were created for adventure seekers. Individuals who want to travel no matter what the surface quality of the road is. If you are going to buy a car for the roomy interior and large tires, get a bus, but do not degrade the car industry by owning a four wheel drive that never explores a terrain besides asphalt.
• Going along with the outdoor theme are the thick leather hiking boots that seem to be the craze in foot fashion. Wrong! Heavy rubber-soled hiking shoes are for trekking over rocky trails, not Third Street. They are called “hiking” boots for a reason. Plus they make your calves look bloated.
• Importing palm trees. I saw a long truck carrying a 60-foot tree the other night. It spooked me. It is not every day you look into your left hand lane and see an oversized pineapple on wheels speeding along side you. Don’t we “grow” trees anymore? Is there such a thing as a palm tree seed or are they all synthetically produced? Palm trees do not provide any shade or bear any fruit, so why do we bother with them? They are ugly trees that only belong on coastal streets and beaches, not alongside our new ULV Library.
• And lastly I must comment on the outrageously tacky new advertising campaign for milk. Famous women such as Vanna White in leopard print with gold jewelry and Lauren Bacall in a black cashmere sweater looking confidently at the camera with a white milk mustache. Seeing these women with a frothy white stain on their upper lip just does not inspire me to run to Albertson’s for a half gallon of 1 percent. My first instinct is to grab a napkin and wipe their erotically suggestive mouths clean. Of all the ways the Dairy Board could promote milk drinking, this was not it. Pick up the latest issue of Newsweek and see for yourself.
