I’ve had the same love, the same passion, for 15 years. It’s been an inspiration, something that has kept me sane and made me happy. Yet I can’t help but realize that over the last year those feelings have changed.
Instead of being something I do for myself, it has become something I just do because it’s always been that way; it’s always been a part of me. I’ve been telling myself, “It’s been 15 years, Chrissy, you can’t stop now. Not after all the time and hard work you have invested to get this far.”
So it has now become an obligation, something I feel compelled to do. And while I used to choose it unconditionally over other activities, I now feel as if I’m missing out on other things I’d rather be doing.
That has become so hard for me to do. It is hard for me to continue to make those sacrifices. I’m encountering so many new opportunities, and I want the chance to explore the opportunities that I haven’t had before.
So I have come to the difficult decision that it’s time for me to stop. I realized I no longer felt that drive or inspiration and it would be unfair to my teammates and to myself if I were there in body, not in spirit, only going through the motions.
I look back at the success I’ve had and still the feelings linger within me that maybe I could do more, or get better. I know I can, or at least I could, if it was still that important to me. But somewhere along the way I lost that inspiration.
I finally gathered the courage to tell my coach about my decision last week. I knew I had avoided it long enough and would need to do it eventually. When it was all said and done, it wasn’t as hard as I had expected it to be. It took a long time for me to finally admit to someone other than myself that I no longer wanted to continue.
Once I had, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It had all been bottled up inside for so long that it was such a relief; I no longer had those negative feelings holding me back. For the first time in a long time I felt free.
What I didn’t expect at that point, however, were the tears that followed. I knew I was making the right decision, but it was still hard to let go. After all, 15 years is three-fourths of my life now. I can barely remember a time where I wasn’t playing.
I found it was even harder to tell my parents about my decision. They’ve always done everything they could to support me. They’ve been to just about every game I’ve ever played in, including traveling to see the regionals in Washington on short notice. They’ve made such sacrifices for me.
I know they’re proud of me, and I know they only want what’s best for me, yet somehow it feels like I’m letting them down. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t keep playing for them I would have to do it for myself. And my heart is just no longer in it anymore. It’s not the same game I used to love.
It hasn’t quite sunk in that I’ll no longer be playing softball. And most likely it won’t fully register until the season begins without me.
Something inside me tells me I’m still not sure and I’ll miss being out on the field. But I know I’ve made the right decision for myself, and I refuse to have any regrets. I’m finally able to realize that I need to do what makes me happy.
Chrissy Zehrbach, a junior journalism major, is sports editor for the Campus Times. She can be reached by e-mail at sqweet@aol.com.
