The country was given a harsh awakening when a young man was tortured and left for dead in Wyoming. There are many reasons to be saddened by a loss that sparked accelerated promotion of government legislation, candlelight vigils mourning Matthew Shephard and the national coverage of its devastation. I was saddened, quite simply, because it could have been me.
One could say I was naive. My family and friends, coworkers and acquaintances accepted me wholeheartedly when I came out. I have never endured the often violent and demeaning affects of homophobia, so being out of the closet comes easy for me. The confidence and self-esteem that comes with such acceptance candy-coated my perception of the world. In the back of my mind, I always knew that hate crimes existed and that some people’s lack of brain development prohibited their acceptance of what they did not understand. But in self-defense of my own frustration and helplessness, I chose to live in self-imposed denial of the danger I put myself in by being honest.
My perfect world traveling down the river of denial was abruptly shipwrecked when I turned on the news and saw the coverage of the Shephard murder. For the first time since I came out, I understood that I could be spit on, beat up, demeaned and even killed for something to which my biology predisposed me.
This is where I get scared, because the overwhelming majority of our society still thinks that homosexuality is some deviant perversion. I found myself walking faster and looking over my shoulder after class last week when it hit me. Living any moment of time in fear for something I was not willing to hide would be an exercise in dishonor for the memory of Shephard. He lost his life so the world could take a look inward.
I took a look inward once the barrage of emotions about Shephard subsided and counted my blessings for having come out before this tragedy occurred. Its national coverage may have driven me farther into that horrible closet I lived in for so long; that would have been a shame because I would have continued living my life with the assumption that I was wrong for being who I am. I would have missed out on the joy and freedom that comes with honesty.
I accept the loss of my perfect world and appreciate the opportunity to make a difference in an imperfect one.
If the murder of Shephard is not upsetting, or if one subscribes to the notion that he was not killed because he was gay, this is an opportunity to know better. Think of it this way — when one is reading a good book and comes across a word he does not recognize, he has a choice. He can look up the word in the dictionary to understand it, or he can bypass the word and continue reading. Looking up the word takes time and motivation. But one dishonors oneself by bypassing the word because of the risk of misinterpreting the sentence, leading to a misunderstanding of the book’s message. What a shame it would be to read the book and never understand its point. With the motivation to know better, the motivation to do better comes as well.
The world was robbed of the opportunity to be changed with Shephard’s presence but was blessed with the compassion his story provoked, thus making his purpose as a person divinely fulfilled.
I am still here, alive and blessed for the opportunity. So, if I’m seen walking to my car after class, rest assured that I will not be rushing. I will take my time, not because I have a point to make, but because I have it to take.
Johnny Hagerman, a senior journalism major, is a staff writer for the Campus Times. He may be reached by e-mail at J_Hager_76@aol.com.
