Surely you already know the outcome of the California recall election, but for the sake of argument, let’s assume you are a shut-in living in a shack in Fontana with no electricity or newspaper subscription. For our loyal readers in this demographic, allow me to reiterate the election results for you.
After more than 8 million votes, it’s official: The people of California are eff-ing idiots.
Despite the outward appearance of the grass-roots recall campaign that spawned this atrocity, what we have witnessed here is not a demonstration of democracy in action. Nor is it a reflection of the power that can manifest in a passionate populous. Not even close.
In actuality, what we have here is clear evidence of just how uninformed the citizens of our state are, and the ramifications are absolutely horrifying.
The concept of democracy has been defiled, and it is painfully apparent that we the people simply are not intelligent enough to make responsible decisions.
We live in a dumb society, and the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger is a reflection of how content we are with our collective lobotomy.
The more than 3.9 million Californians who voted for our governor-elect have revealed their inability to distinguish reality from fantasy.
Schwarzenegger’s victory can’t be attributed to any popular policy proposals, since he never proposed anything. Nor was the majority swayed by his persuasive address of important social concerns, as he remained completely ambiguous on any set forth to him.
The fact that his vow to “open the books” swayed voters is the most telling reminder of how sedate we are. The “books,” as it were, are always open.
The California state budget is a matter of public record and is easily available for study to anyone who cares to take a look. You don’t even have to leave your house, since the records are readily accessible via the Internet.
No, the reason so many people voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger is because he is Arnold Schwarzenegger. You know, the “Terminator,” the “Commando,” the “Running Man.”
Well, guess what, people: Those are fictional characters, and none of your votes went to any of them. The person you elected is not a superhero; he is a marginally intelligent political puppet who has absolutely no experience in office.
I’ll take it a step further. In the case of Schwarzenegger, name-recognition, and I mean that in the most literal sense of the phrase, was also a key decider for the ballot-punching morons of California. If our governor-elect’s name was Arnold Smith, he would not have won this race. I truly believe that the voters of our state are such fools that many of them cast their ballots for Arnold because, his status as an action-star aside, he has a memorable name.
Think I’m cynical? Consider then the 11,256 people who were either too illiterate, too stoned, too disinterested, or just too stupid to read their ballots carefully. These gifted souls voted for George B. Schwartzman, whose name appeared just above Schwarzenegger’s on the ballot.
It is almost comical, but mostly scary, to picture these buffoons standing in the booth struggling desperately to figure out which name went with the renowned actor, and which was the schmoe whom no one has ever heard of.
We can only speculate how many more votes Schwarzenegger would have received if more tosses had come up tails. Oh, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about the five million of you who didn’t vote for the winner. Yes, you all picked losers, and I’m not referring to the election results.
Exactly 13,015 of you prefer heart-warming family comedies and decided that, based on his ability to say “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?” Gary Coleman would have been the man to fill the perceived sinkhole created by Gray Davis.
More alarmingly, 10,316 of you thought that our situation could be remedied by an air-headed media whore with huge melons. No, not Gallagher, but porn star Mary “Carey” Cook, whose cartoon boobs received 0.2 percent of the votes.
The vast majority of those who voted in this sham of an election need to pick their calloused knuckles up off the floor and start taking their existence a little more seriously. Once the joke well has run dry, we will still be stuck with a governor who has no clue how to “fix” California.
If any good can come out of all this, perhaps our recall-hungry citizens will channel their energies into removing from office the stammering baboon sitting at our President’s desk.
Or, even better, perhaps more of us will wake up to the fact that the concept of democracy is a fallacy, since the masses will always be uninformed, mindless sheep.
For now, to those of you responsible for our new governor-elect: May you all be damned to the vilest pits of Hades for subjecting us to three years of the cackling visages of Governor Arnold and First Mummy Maria. Your views have been best expressed by one sign-wielding supporter at a Schwarzenegger rally: you would “rather be groped by Schwarzenegger than bent over by Davis.” Either way, we’re screwed.
Taylor Kingsbury, a senior journalism major, is a columnist for the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at happyendingrocks@hotmail.com.
