Folks, it is time to open your date books and free your calendars because the people at Fox have done it again.
Stop what you are doing, cancel any plans, and free your schedules today, because for this occasion, you will need to be situated in front of your television with no place to go.
In other words, we need to start preparing now for a television milestone slated to air in a little over a month.
“Celebrity Boxing,” scheduled for March 13, is Fox’s newest prime-time special that will pit six of the most controversial and entertaining celebrities against each other to slug it out in a boxing ring in order to establish “athletic supremacy.”
Out of pure obligation and respect to several of our fallen pop culture icons, Fox insiders have constructed this new television “must-see” event with hopes that it will result in a huge ratings victory.
As if “Who Wants To Marry a Multimillionaire” and “Temptation Island 2” were not enough to establish the network as being sleazy, cheap, trashy and tacky, Fox producers hope this project will shine among their gems and gain back some of the respect they lost with the other shows.
(I assume it will be better than any “Celebrity Fear Factor”).
By the sound of things, I know this attempt will easily become more successful than all shows that came before it.
The reason: the pairing of Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher and former Olympic skater Tonya Harding. These two women were to battle against each other in the evening’s showcase event.
Fisher has since pulled out of the match because she was concerned with damaging her public image, adding even more drama and hype to the night. Do not be disappointed, however, because Fisher was quickly replaced by presidential temptress Paula Jones.
During this prime-time special, which will showcase these two women going toe-to-toe in one of the evenings three taped bouts, Tonya Harding, AKA “The Pride of Portland” is being given the perfect opportunity to redeem her athletic prowess.
But for Harding’s sake, we can all hope that when she steps into the ring, she will once and for all prove that her golden athleticism has never been a joking matter. And with more than ten million viewers watching, I don’t think that her ego can afford another crying tantrum in front of the judges.
She is not scheduled to perform any triple axels or sit spins, but I guarantee that if Jones leaves the ring with a bloody nose, Harding will have forever redeemed her athletic reputation. I bet that even Nancy Kerrigan will be watching her former rival, waiting for someone to crumble under the extreme pressure.
On this monumental night, the former Olympic figure skater won’t have any husband there to knock out the knees of any competitor, nor can she delay the start of the event by blaming it on a broken skate lace.
But even without these possible distractions, Harding will be able to rely on her massive, muscular thighs and thick, powerful arms to make mincemeat out of Jones.
If Jones is quickly handed a TKO, we can all cross our fingers that she does not leave the ring screaming, “Why meeee!”
I do not think the American public can accept any more sore losers. Harding was clearly the best in ’94, and I have no doubt that that on March 13, she will prove how she was unjustly cheated out of an Olympic gold medal. (Maybe she should have complained about a voting block?)
This night of programming is shaping up to be an opportunity for Fox to lure innocent television viewers to watch a show more disgusting, revolting, sickening and nauseating than anything they have ever aired.
So, I suggest no phone calls, no side conversations, no food and undivided attention to all of the festivities.
I am absolutely 100 percent certain that on every street corner and in every newspaper, the news and outcome of this event will be the lead story for days, weeks, months and years to come.
Ryan MacDonald, a senior journalism major, is editor in chief of the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at macdonar@ulv.edu.
