Have you heard? It is finally here! We’ve got one and it is going to make everything okay. That’s right folks, a mere two and a half years after invading Iraq, the President of the United States of America has developed a strategy for winning the war.
I could hardly believe it as I read the news on the BBC’s Web site, but the headline was as plain as day. “Bush outlines Iraq ‘victory plan.’” “Hmm…,” I thought to myself, “I hope this plan isn’t like Ol’ George’s other plans.”
The way I see it, George Bush isn’t a planning type of guy. Like when he planned to stay on vacation even though the people of the gulf were swimming in their own shit. Or when he planned to get a hold of weapons that didn’t exist. Or the time he planned on saving Social Security by diverting funds away from it. And then there was the time he planned on sitting an under-qualified, overly-stupid crony on the Supreme Court.
Those plans weren’t so good, so I’m… just a little skeptical about this one. Especially since George Bush isn’t a learning type of guy either. Other presidents learn from their mistakes, not Ol’ George. He’s the only guy I know of who would dare to try and hire a crony, while being condemned for hiring cronies.
But to be fair, there are some good parts of Ol’ George’s plan. For instance, he has finally identified our enemies. This is good, because you can’t have a war without enemies and we were surely having a hard time figuring out who they were, what with them blowing up stuff and shooting at our troops.
Now the enemy comes in three varieties, Rejectionists, Saddamists and Terrorists, so you can collect ‘em all and trade ‘em with your friends. But sadly, the holy trinity of terror seems to be the only new addition to Ol’ George’s little adventure. His speech outlining the “new” plan pretty much relied on the same old tired rhetoric about “total victory” and why it’s bad to cut and run, as if phasing out troops and handing over power to the Iraqis is somehow just getting the hell out of Dodge.
Hopefully this little “new plan” stunt won’t take America’s eye off the fact that the people who are running this country are corrupt and incompetent and need to be dealt with. And with the indictments flowing like wine perhaps the eye will remain focused.
Nobody wants to see their country or its leaders disgraced, but there is still a sense of satisfaction when the tide comes in to wash away the filth—no matter what the cost. And the cost has been great.
Iraq War: $300 billion
Hurricane Katrina: $200 billion
Thirty-seven percent approval rating and mass indictments: priceless
John Patrick, a senior journalism major, is editorial director of the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.