My hair is too short. My hips are too wide. And, worst of all, I do not even know the appropriate way to get a date. Don’t be jealous—any person with a couple of dollars can buy this excellent advice.
For just $2.95, women’s magazines offer me and millions of other women advice along with intriguing stories. And if you are real lucky, you might even find something worthwhile, as I did in this month’s issue of Teen.
According to Teen magazine, I just do not know how to talk to a man. The barrier between men and women is the art of communication. But I will save all of my readers a couple of dollars by offering this advice.
•Start with an open and friendly attitude. I guess standing in a corner and rolling my eyes would not be considered “open and friendly.”
•Look him in the eye and smile. I tried this once, but before you do this ladies, I recommend checking in between your teeth. I downright killed a guy with a piece of spinach between my front teeth.
•Try not to appear overly eager. I suppose fainting if a really cute guy looks at me would be out of the question.
•Focus on him. According to the magazine, I should listen to everything he says and be attentive. Attentive like a dog. Is “female” synonymous with “canine?” I do not think so. Let’s just skip to the next move.
•Never go the phony route. I love this advice. I should only talk to a man if I know the subject he is interested in. That will be hard considering I have already been sanctioned to not talk about sports. I will just have to find a man not interested in sports. That will be easy.
•Emotional strokes matter. Boys mainly want admiration. Oh, worship him if all else fails. Unless his name is Brad Pitt or Jared Leto, I refuse to even consider this advice.
•Remember the cardinal rule of guy life: boys are much more comfortable about what they think. That is right, girls. Shut up. Serve him his dinner. And most importantly, do not speak.
•Listen up! Teen finishes its advice by recommending “listen full-heartedly to your guy.” This is the only good piece of advice in the whole article.
So, if I do this, I will get a man.
Well, sorry to burst anyone’s bubble, but is it me or is this advice a little pre-historic? No wonder I missed the boat for a prom date. I was too busy being human, enjoying this new thing called equal rights. No wonder I do not have a date. I would never do these things in a million years.
I thought maybe it was just the magazine, but I was wrong. This month’s issue of Cosmopolitan explores dating and gives similar advice. In Cosmo’s advice article, it offers really groovy advice like hiring a dating consultant and a receiving a makeover.
I thought Teen was a little overboard, but a dating consultant? Anyone desperate enough to hire a person to set up a date needs mental help.
Parents wonder why there are so many problems with teenage and young adult females. With magazines feeding a subservient image to them, no wonder eating disorders and low self-esteem problems grow rapidly in young women.
This is dumb. I cannot believe I buy this trash. When was the last time I saw a quality article in any women’s magazine? Try never.
Who are these magazines aimed at—the skinny, fair complected, straight haired, wealthy, airhead, no-style-in-clothes, unliberated women of Utopia?
I want articles that represent the women I know. Articles should appear like “Big butts and the women who have them,” “Clothes for under $10,” “How to tame nappy hair” and “How to make a lot of money while still in college.”
I want to see women, really ugly and plain size nine and up women, modeling those Calvin Klein jeans.
I want the positives to be accentuated in females and not the negatives like cellulite. Being a woman, dateless or not, is great. So two big thumbs down to Teen and all the rest of those women’s magazines.
